When I went climbing for the first time in Slovakia, I used the experience as a metaphor for my first month of many firsts, a month of excitement, challenge, and new memories. Now, I am going to use my blog to share the authenticity of a year working abroad and reflect upon the experiences and emotions that stem beyond all of the wild adventures.
As such, I will alter my climbing metaphor a bit. Last week, I went on another bike ride with Roman to the Stone Bridge where I was given the option to climb this old structure in the middle of a wooded area. I thought climbing over 30 meters high in the mountains of Slovakia was difficult – moving merely a meter up this bridge took more mental energy and leg strength than I could even wrap my mind around. Each brick proved to be its own challenge, with small crevices sprinkled along the bridge to momentarily aid your climb. And each step was uniquely complicated and took different amounts of time to figure out. I was supposed to prioritize my feet as the main source of energy to lift myself up to the top. However, this concept seemed crazy and impossible to me. How was I supposed to lift myself up if I couldn’t hold onto the wall and rely on the strength of my grip? Why couldn’t I simply grab onto the stone for support? Again, the answer to both of these questions is one that is not foreign to me but also one I have always had trouble understanding – Trust.
September took place in Slovakia. October has taken place at the Stone Bridge. As I have repeated throughout my blog, I am only human and while I hope to ensure I soak in the once in a lifetime mentality of the year and continue to smile my American smile and say “ano” to mountainous weekend excursions, interactive after-school activities, and innovative teaching moments, there are going to be times when I feel burnt out and when my American smile almost feels a bit forced. There will be times when I want to allow myself to think about sitting on my coach in the 01810, watching TV next to my mom with our crazy dog Frank’s chubby face nestled in my lap. I admit that the past few days have been a little hard for me mentally and trusting that I am still connected with this aspect of my life has not been so easy; it’s been a week where homesickness, stress, communication barriers, and culture shock has caught up to the limits of my American smile.
I have been in the Czech Republic for two months at this point. This has been the longest I have ever been away from home. I am barely able to speak with my family – maybe a brief moment here or there but nothing consistent or continuous – and the disconnection feels a bit disorienting because I am not able to have any sort of conversation about my personal life too often, if at all, here. I don’t know how my little sister Grace is doing in school, I haven’t heard my brother Joseph’s quirky laugh in ages, no movies have been watched with my brother Matthew and I can’t talk about art, travel, and Disney with my sister Caroline. My mom and I are not able to talk about our days, how we are doing, what’s going on, or just are we staying sane. I have no tea and check-ins with friends back home, no vent sessions with Emily…. the communication is different and I know this is part of my growth. This reality doesn’t make it any easier. I also know that this distance will only make the time we do spend together in the coming months that much more special. But, at the end of the day I miss parts of my American life and have to remind myself that this is completely normal.
I was in Prague over the weekend and was struck by these feelings of homesickness even surrounded by my Fulbright friends and a stunning city landscape. I was introduced to more American students from Slovakia, Poland and Hungary and even (finally!) met somebody from Boston. Every day was packed with useful information about media literacy, fake news, and critical thinking. I could tell that so much time and energy was used to gather different scholars and professionals from Eastern Europe to inform and bring us all together. I really wanted to always smile and soak in everything such a global event has to offer. But I found myself stuck inside my own head for most of the weekend.
That said, I was able to have some conversations with my friends in Prague and talked to the different teachers from the other regional schools in the Czech Republic. When I had these conversations, I did learn that I am not the only one who feels a bit lost and that teaching is an ongoing learning process – especially when it your first-year teaching and you learning to navigate cultural differences in education and everyday life. In fact, everybody tries to hide these feelings of fear and confusion or push them aside but we are all trying to navigate them in some way. I practiced Swing Dancing at the final event over the weekend with some friends and then went on a hunt for warm chocolate chip cookies at midnight. I haven’t laughed or let myself dance with friends in what feels like a long time. These moments always seem to find themselves to me when our Fulbright orientations and conferences take place – even when I really don’t expect them to. Whether we know it in the moment or not, these monthly reunions are essential to our sanity during this 10 month experience.
I ended the weekend in Slavia café, right across from the National Theatre, eating cakes and drinking wine and coffee with my mentor. We sat across a window with a spectacular view of Prague castle. A small moment, but one that allowed me to reset and enjoy restful time in a charming and beautiful part of the country with my Czech mom. This was a time where I could set still for a bit – I don’t always have to be moving and tackling crazy feats during this experience – sometimes I can let myself rest and think in a café. And these moments are not any less valuable. Sometimes they are even more valuable than I may think.
I have been living a completely different life, constantly meeting new people without being able to speak or communicate with them effectively while at the same time learning how to navigate the void of familiarity and comfort. I miss having conversations about my goals, ambitions, responsibilities, and even just simple “How are you?”, How was today?”, “You won’t believe what happened to me this weekend!” or “That Red Sox pitcher tanked last game.” If I show any sort of excitement about these topics or ask such questions to my students, I receive blank stares. Sometimes laughter and mumbles in Czech.
These are the moments I feel the absence of my home the most. However, as I have said, I have to realize that this discomfort is completely normal, even human. And, it will be mutually profitable to learn more about Czech history and the most effective ways to communicate and share my culture with my students and new community. Last week I even gave a lesson about blogs, found myself a bit frustrated the attentiveness of the students and presented this blog as a way for me to share with students my vulnerability – I shared with my students how difficult this year is going to be for me and that I need their help to ensure that it runs smoothly. We shouldn’t test our limits. Instead, we should ensure that we equip each other with the resources necessary to understand how we can understand each other.
I think we will all come out of the experience enlightened. This is not easy and sounds perfect when you type it out. The process is very slow and at times mentally daunting, frustrating, and complex. But, we will all get there. I do believe that. I see this after school with my baking club as me and a couple of students laugh and experiment with questionable mug creations in the microwave, using ingredients I bought with my limited Czech vocabulary. My student’s younger brother joined this week’s meeting and even tried teaching me some Czech baking vocab such as “mouka” or “flour” and “cukr” or “sugar”. Empathy and friendships fills this room and I hope to expand these feelings throughout the entire school.
Once I am able to trust that no matter how homesick I get, no matter how scared or alone I feel, I have my Czech family, colleagues, and students around every corner of the city, I have hopes that the everyday will prove enriching instead of daunting. My challenges are starting to move beyond not knowing how to buy groceries, order coffee, and pay bills but I do have people here to help and it is up to me to learn how to effectively communicate and establish understanding when these feelings of disorientation seem to take over. And my American family, friends, and loved ones are not going anywhere because yes, at times, I do panic a bit about these feelings of disconnection. Always, eventually, no matter how many mistakes I make or how long it takes for me to accomplish a task, I find my footing, and make it to the top of whatever obstacle I am trying to climb (kind of pushing it at this point but keeping with the metaphor). The view and feeling of relief can’t quite be put into words because what I am going through right now – two months of continually expanding independence from my American routine and comfort – is an inevitable part of growing up. I simply chose to tackle this four thousand miles away, in the middle of a place and culture completely different from what I know.
Anyway, on an uplifting note, because I do not want this blog to be all about the woes of homesickness…I was talking with Roman while cycling and he told me that one of his takeaways or as he put it, results, from my blog was that I love my job and that running for me is like climbing for him – a way to reset your thinking and momentarily turn off from work and academic mode. We talked about how important these two takeaways are when navigating a foreign life.
And why do I love my job? Well, I find communication to be one of the most important tools in life. If you are able to effectively communicate with others, then you can begin to see life through their eyes and empathy, another critical aspect of life, develops. Each time I step foot in the classroom, I have a different experience with my students. Some days are easier than others and some lessons are more straightforward to work through with my students. But at the end of the day, it is the moments where I see that a student understands what I am teaching them and we are able to have a productive conversation, even if this conversation that lasts about a minute or two – these are the moments that make my job worthwhile. And again, this is not easy – especially when the American and Czech cultures are so different. But putting in the time, and working through the frustration is so valuable because at the end of the year we will all come out of these experiences as stronger, more empathetic and resilient individuals. These are all traits that are priceless and honestly worth every moment when my American smile reaches its limit. This is real life and it is not easy. But that’s where the growth happens. And that’s the crux of this blog.
So what’s next? An after-school Halloween party with my students for starters! More on that later.
I will also be holding my first conversation club for locals in Ostrava this Friday. It will be interesting to compare an informal conversation lesson to those I experience and teach at the grammar school. I will also be embarking on my first solo trip to Krakow, Poland where I will tackle the GRE and then explore the sights of another major tourist spot. It will be yet another learning experience and first for me as I have never traveled completely on my own, let alone in a country where I can’t communicate with people around me. The experience will definitely be shared via this blog next week.
Until then, ahoj! And simply let yourself breathe. I am going to try and do just that 🙂
Redefining Escape 