Over the course of about two weeks I have taken five different planes and countless trains, buses and trams to travel to both the United States and various places in Eastern Europe. Adjustment has always been difficult for me. At times, change even feels impossible and I am constantly frustrated with my inability to accept the reality of my present situation. Nostalgia consistently taunts me and I find myself an easy “victim.” While I hate using the word “victim,” this word most accurately captures how I feel when I am caught in memories from the past.
This is a general feeling I have sporadically experienced in the recent years. And now, as we are a little over 10 days into 2020, I have made it my goal to keep deflecting this feeling of victimization – my past and recent memories are truly gifts that only help me become a stronger and more compassionate person. However, I still can’t help but struggle with this feeling and my calls and travels back and forth between the United States and the Czech Republic have certainly tested my patience and willpower when working toward this goal.
Being back in the United States for Christmas was absolutely wonderful but it also solidified one of my biggest fears for my Fulbright year. Being back in the U.S. made the Czech Republic seem like a completely separate world – a world where I live this crazy life hard to accurately and believably be put into words. And this feeling is reversed when I’m back in the Czech Republic. When I’m back in the Czech Republic, and call back to those I love in the U.S., I listen and can’t help but feel so incredibly far away. I’m constantly thinking about one place while I’m living my life in the other. And sometimes I completely forget about one of the places. This is what scares me the most and this is my task to change in 2020. I want to be present, confident, and compassionate, regardless of physical presence, in both of my homes.
Now, it is very easy for me to sit down and type this goal. As I discussed with my students this week during our lessons, it is very important to come up with ways to keep yourself accountable for the goals you set for yourself. I learned how to do this with my students. I am not sure if they realized, but during our lessons this week, the conversations we had actually encouraged me to reflect about myself and how I interact with my community and loved ones.
As I mentioned in the intro for this blog, adjustment is very difficult for me. So, I was absolutely terrified to start my first day of teaching on Monday. However, unlike my very first day of teaching in September, minutes into my very first lesson this year, I almost immediately felt more in my element. The students didn’t forget about me when I traveled back to the United States and were respectfully engaged during our first lesson back together. And during the following lessons when I felt myself frustrated with the rhythm of the class, I tried something I never attempted in 2019 – improv/unplanned changes DURING the lesson.
For instance, when talking about our New Year’s resolutions, several students asked me: “What’s the point?” Or even, “I just don’t have any goals.” At first, I was frustrated with these responses. Soon after, I realized maybe a New Year’s resolution holds a different meaning for different people. So, I then approached the class with the question: “What does the word resolution mean for you?” Students either expressed how helpful it is for them to start the new year with tangible goals to progressively work toward or how it is more useful for them to make daily goals over time. Next, I divided the class based on their answers and had them debate about their interpretations of the word. By the end of the class, we came to the conclusion that a resolution or goal is highly personalized. Simply, the first step is to understand that your goals are your own and they don’t only need to be set in the new year – they can even be set moments before class begins 🙂
This is the mentality I will be looking to adopt more fully during the second half of my Fulbright year. Each day I am learning to live a more independent life in Česky Têšín with my Czech family, new travels, and people around every corner while also ensuring that I give myself time to call back to the U.S. and let myself be surrounded by feelings of nostalgia, love, and comfort. While this week I definitely felt a bit out of sorts and easily frazzled, I was also able to receive a little taste of how both my homes are in fact interconnected – even if I am not always able to see this and often overthink about how they feel so distant.
First, my sister Emily was able to travel back with me and walk into my Czech life. We visited Cieszyn, Olomouc and Prague together where we bopped around unique cafes, explored major sites, enjoyed some fine dining and quaint flats and hotels. She was also able to enter and meet my Czech family which meant the world to me because Roman and Pavlina are the two most important people for me in Česky Têšín. Even though I was not able to spend too much time with them this week, Emily and I had a beautiful evening with them in their flat the second night of her visit. We shared stories about work, travel, Christmas and just some funny memories with some freshly made lemon ginger tea. We even popped open some champagne and ate leftover Christmas cookies.
I also noticed that the pictures I gifted Roman and Pavlina of us together were sitting under their Christmas tree. When I pointed this out to Roman, he told me: “Yes, see Sarah you were still here with us on Christmas in the Czech Republic!” This comment and moment is the perfect example of the mentality I need to stop being so afraid of – instead of wishing for time to stand still and longing for past memories, I can use them to bring happiness into my day-to-day. We can all still share memories together – even if we are not all together every day and on special occasions like Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s 🙂
And another small but just as important moment that meant a lot to me was a conversation I was able to have with one of my students during an after-school run. We met after a long day of Wednesday lessons and ran around trails close to my flat on the border of Česky Têšín and Cieszyn. We were both not quite in the same shape as before the holidays and laughed together while we struggled through the run. When we were a few minutes away from my flat, my student timidly asked me: “So, Sarah would it be ok for me to ask you about your dad?” I was thrown for a little bit of a loop because I was still adjusting back into my Czech life and didn’t expect to be asked about my dad. That said, I was extremely touched that my student wanted to talk about something so important to me. While definitely a little difficult to open up about, especially during this week, I was able to share the story of my past with her. She even explained to me that her boyfriend has lost a parent so she has heard how frustratingly challenging this trauma is to face and live with. These moments of empathy and compassion are exactly why I always feel so much better after talking through my stories with other people – although hard to take that first step, it’s always so worth it in the end and find I develop a stronger sense of trust and…some closer friends 🙂
Despite post-Christmas exhaustion, we ended up extending the run a bit and I then talked about my growth and how I have been able to cope with the trauma over the years. While the conversation lasted about 10 minutes, these were 10 minutes of intercultural and personal connection and empathy. These 10 minutes showed me that my U.S. and Czech lives don’t have to be and feel separate – loved ones in both places want to hear about and be with me every step of the way and I the same for them. A small but remarkably fitting example of how I can work toward my 2020 goal.
Finally, as I think about moments from my recent visit to the U.S., I realize that the moments that meant the most to me were unplanned and unexpected surprises. I loved hearing Alex’s voice at the Logan Airport while waiting for my suitcase in Baggage Claim and getting lost in Boston together on New Year’s Eve night. I loved the fact that I fell asleep during the final film of the most recent Star Wars trilogy and hearing my family rant about their disbelief at the conclusion of the movie. I loved sharing a home-cooked family dinner on my sister’s birthday, listening to and laughing about stories about my mom’s amusing first dates. And then even the last afternoon, I loved sitting in a café in my hometown with Alex, putting together a scrapbook of our memories from his visit to Europe in November. I loved looking at the photos together, laughing and thinking of fitting and personally funny captions about our favorite moments from the trip.
None of these moments were planned. They simply happened and now I can hold onto and share them with my Czech family as I continually adjust back to my Fulbright routine. As I saw in the U.S., the best memories come from just living and seeing what happens. And, it’s going to be OK. I can let myself be vulnerable while happy at the same time. Emotions are wild and unpredictable. Not everyday is going to be perfect and some weeks are going to be absolutely incredible and surreal. It’s just life! So, we shall see what happens in 2020 while here in Česky Têšín – I have no idea what’s in store but I am excited and ready to find out.
As always, what’s next? I have a busy week of meetings and literature lessons next week. Plus a few trips to Ostrava, maybe the mountains and, my first climb of 2020! This will be my first true week by myself in my routine in Česky Têšín. However, running with the theme of this blog, I am not really ever by myself. This realization is yet another step in accomplishing my 2020 goal!
I hope everybody has had a nice start to 2020 – I encourage everybody to live 2020 according to your own definition of “resolution.” Until next time, ahoj! Another one of my goals for this year is to learn some more Czech words and phrases 🙂
Redefining Escape 