Redefining Escape

Four years ago, I was emotionally broken, exhausted, and scared. I was bouncing back and forth between two places I refused to call “home” – my childhood “home” in Andover, MA and my Bates “home” two hours away in Lewiston, ME. Both places terrified me for the same reason – they were unfamiliar and I could not find my footing. My childhood home was forever going to miss my father and I refused to accept this as my new reality. Due to my inability to cope with this trauma, my feelings toward Bates always felt insecure and my confidence was shattered.

While at Bates my freshman year, I would have given anything to call my father and hear his voice to tell me to be the brave, young woman he saw establish herself by her senior year of high school. I yearned for his voice, and his voice alone, to tell me that everything with our family and at Bates would not only be okay but thrive. To this day his number remains on my phone even though I know a dial would only widen a wound that will never fully close.

Instead, I called my mom every time I was scared or unsure of a major decision to be made. I often went back to Andover on the weekends because I thought this was the answer that would solve the fear that resided within me in Lewiston. I wanted an escape from Bates and this new, foreign life. However, when I went back to Andover, initially I was okay and then unexpectedly I would feel uneasy – rooms were changing and there was a new pet everywhere I looked. What’s more, nobody seemed to notice these changes but me – or at least have the same relentless fear about them. It felt as though my family was erasing my childhood room by room and one animal at a time. I longed to escape this “home” that resided in Andover.

My initial definition of escape involved isolating myself from family, friends, and classmates. I delved full force into academics, sports, and work because it was much easier to talk about fictional stories, cheer on other people’s accomplishments, and help local students discover their educational passions and aspirations than it was for me to let people into my life and trust them as friends and loved ones. Everybody I knew thought I was cruising through life; I had a near perfect GPA, a consistently solid spot on the varsity cross country and track team, two editorial jobs on campus, and countless stories about student accomplishments from local classrooms. What a lot of people didn’t know was that I always had to mask a brave smile and work countless hours by myself in the library or in my room to make these feats happen. These successes were the keys to my escape from my unfamiliar “homes” in Andover and Lewiston.

When I was looking at colleges, my Bates visit stands clear in my head. My father was standing in the Admission’s hallway, picked up a pamphlet carrying miscellaneous stats, looked at me and said, “Sarah, you are going to be a Fulbright Scholar.” I had no idea what this was, about, or even how my father got the idea but I trusted him and want to make him proud. When I did more research amidst the grief that consumed the first half of my Bates experience, and discovered Fulbright involved a year abroad in a different country, I was psyched. I could wash away my grief and re-find my footing by escaping to a place thousands of miles away, living each day knowing my father was right about my future.

I defined my escape as a chance to run away from everything that scared me and just start over. I was completely sold on the idea of giving up on my two “homes” and starting from scratch in a completely new place where nobody knew my past. Come junior year, however, when I began thinking more seriously about my Fulbright application, I became more aware of myself slowly becoming ready to let people back into my life.

I took on more leadership roles and found myself not only passionate about the subject matter but eager to talk and collaborate with others involved. I wouldn’t let myself sit alone anymore because I realized I needed to learn to trust people to ensure an innovative and enjoyable experience and perhaps even develop a friendship or two along the way. I learned to open up to family, friends, and loved ones and saw that I was not alone. We were all dealing with our own stresses and goals and could work through everything together.

I saw what I was able to achieve academically in the classroom and physically on the track when I felt broken and knew that I could flourish if I just simply let myself live a little. I met my closest friends my junior year at Bates. These people pushed me in ways I could never express enough gratitude for; they pushed me to smile, laugh, ask for help, cry, and share stories. I stopped living each day stuck in my head. I found a way to spend time with friends. I found the balance I had been searching for when I arrived on campus my first year.

I went to London that same year to study Shakespeare during the month of May. Here, I met more people, while always learning to keep the friendships I worked hard to establish at Bates. These people showed me that I could find this same balance thousands of miles away and then bring this growth back to my roots in the United States. I did not view London as an escape, I saw it as a chance for me to grow with a community of incredibly smart, talented and unique individuals in a new place. While I loved London and its educational and aesthetic charm, I was eager to come back and share my story with people whom I knew I could love and loved me.

I am about to begin my Fulbright year in the Czech Republic, in a little city thousands of miles away from both homes I longed to escape my freshman year at Bates. I’m using this blog to redefine this escape. I want to document my journey throughout this year abroad – the classroom, languages, and travel adventures. Every moment that I feel adds to my growth as a blooming scholar of education and well-rounded individual and can be used to help others tract their own personal journeys through grief, loss, confusion, and success. I know I have made my father proud by earning this Fulbright grant and I plan on using the year not to escape a life in Andover and at Bates but to keeping watering them with love, light, challenges and adventure.

I’m about to begin a year traveling to an unfamiliar place with several unanswered questions. I’m physically hopping on a 9-hour flight by myself to a place where the majority of people don’t speak my language. I’m walking away from two homes I have finally come to accept, love, and cherish. Despite this, somehow, I know I have so many roots and loved ones who are there for me every step of the way and I can’t wait to share these pending memories with them. My “escape” has transformed into a year sparked by opportunities to step outside my comfort zone, learn new languages, and connect with different groups of students, teachers, and community members. All the while, keeping the roots and watering the confidence I’m continually learning to secure and embrace. This will be a year of continual and collaborative growth and I am eager to share it with you via my personal travel blog.

Until next time, Ahoj!