Fear and doubt have always been my most frustrating vices. Fears that keep me from meeting new people, exploring foreign experiences, and, most of all, understanding the depth of my personality. And then doubt – probably my most fatal flaw – that perpetually keeps me one step further behind than where I know I should be. Doubt that always tells me I am never good enough to try.
These two vices have followed me all throughout my life – at times more dormant than others but always there in the back of my mind. I am able to overcome them when I need to the most, hence my role as a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant in the Czech Republic. Nevertheless, they have lingered behind me and found their way to this beautiful country. However, I am finally at a point in my life where I am able to deflect the vices and win glimmers of forthcoming confidence.
While it is difficult to convince myself, everybody shares these vices in some way, shape or form. And we can all help each other overcome them. Why not start with the short poem, “Do Not Ask Your Children to Strive,” by William Martin. The poem reads:
Do not ask your children
To strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
But it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
And the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
Tomatoes, apples, and pears.
Show them how to cry
When pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
In the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.
Together these lines pose two important questions: What does it mean to be “extraordinary” and why do we all have this goal to be something that only causes stress and unending cycles of self-doubt? While thinking about these questions, I couldn’t help but pause at the line, “The extraordinary will take care of itself.”
This last line couldn’t ring truer. It is very easy to strive to perfect and be the best in everything. I am the queen of this mentality but am ready to dethrone myself. While staying in Chateau Liblice for our Mid-Year Fulbright Conference, as I listened to fellow Fulbright English Teaching Assistants, students, and scholars share their experiences in the Czech Republic thus far, and received some much-needed advice from loved ones back home, I realized that I am not perfect. But, my imperfections are actually what illuminate my extraordinary life, and, following the lines of the poem, “make the ordinary come alive.”
I always find myself frustrated when a day feels unproductive, especially here in the Czech Republic where I hope to always present the best version of myself to everybody I meet. Even during tough transitional months, such as January, where I can’t seem to be keep my emotions consistently in control. Truth be told, what I am able to accomplish throughout my day-to-day, garnering small victories and feelings of family, actually water the seeds for success to eventually, and authentically, grow and thrive.
All this introspection kept me afloat while finding my way to Chateau Liblice, a village about an hour away from Prague, in Northern Bohemia. No colleagues knew that this village existed and Roman and Pavlina had to conduct a google search to verify its true existence. It not only exists…the village is absolutely stunning and surrounded by nature and other quaint and charmingly beautiful villages. Since there was not much to do around us, we all simply gathered in this castle and shared much needed time together. We even ventured to Melník, where we toured a castle and journeyed through a wine cellar. Here in Melník there was a gorgeous sunset and a sky full of stars…symbolic of the few days that gifted me feelings of love, support, hope, and rejuvenation.
These mysterious places proved to be the perfect locations to reconnect and bond with fellow Fulbrighters over shared emotions, hilarious anecdotes, and newfound discoveries and avenues of growth – all stemmed from innovative teaching practices, survival guides, common challenges and emotional walls. We all live in vastly different cities, towns, and villages sprinkled across the Czech Republic. Nevertheless, we are able to bond over one important commonality, no matter our location. We are still learning about this job and all that it entails – in and outside the classroom. We may be extraordinary Fulbright grantees…but we are all learning that we need to fully embrace the ordinary moments of life to continually propel us forward.
One aspect of these conferences that I love is that I always seem to meet someone new each visit. This time I met an English professor studying American literature and creative writing. Upon hearing his plan for his time in the Czech Republic, I introduced myself and we ultimately agreed that we should collaborate, visit each other, and co-teach lessons at Charles University in Prague and possibly Gymnasium Česky Têšín 🙂 His story and path toward English stemmed from a family trauma, which aligned with my own motivations to study English literature and mirrored the springboard for my thesis. I know this connection will both enhance my knowledge of English’s rich subject and better inform my future teaching practices. In addition to this chance encounter, I also learned about other Fulbright scholars’ research. I listened to presentations about tumors and rare diseases, World War I archives, and sociological perspectives about societal differences. The intricacies of everybody’s research blew my mind…all the presentations were enlightening, humbling, and inspiring.
During our stay at Liblice Chateau, fellow English Teaching Assistants also gave presentations about their year thus far in the Czech Republic. These presentations spanned topics such as best teaching practices and educational (and hilarious) anecdotes from the year. All of the presentations shared experiences involving hilarious encounters in schools, grocery stores, and flats and were relatable, funny, moving and honest. Everybody has their own story and they are all connected in some way. There is no need for doubt or fear.
One presentation that stuck with me the most was one verbally presented about his experience learning how to be alone. This Fulbright grantee openly discussed the transitional challenge of being alone with your thoughts. Listening to this Fulbrighter speak, and thinking about my own experience in Česky Têšín, I realized that the secret to this is simply surrounding yourself with the right people and being mindful about purposefully setting aside time to be alone with your thoughts and reflect (hence…this blog!!) He started his presentation with the cliché question: “Is the glass half full or half empty?” The answer is easy. The glass is always, in fact, half full.
A glass half full does not mean inexhaustible happiness. It means living each day with enduring positivity. There is a difference between positivity and happiness. The expectation may seem that you need to be happy and full of energy all the time. This is an expectation that I always hold for myself. I always think that it is my responsibility to enthusiastically hold every single answer or know how to solve any problem. This expectation will drive anybody absolutely crazy because it is impossible. The reality is that happiness does not equal positivity. To be a positive person means to wake up every morning with the goal of growth. Nothing ever goes exactly as planned and not every day is going to be full of inexhaustible happiness. Some days are going to be hard. That said, smiles never have to disappear. We are all prepped with the resources, people, and mindsets to overcome hardship, loneliness, and even just confusion.
Finally, a surprising end to a beautiful week…Fulbright’s Got Talent! While I did not perform, I was an active audience member and enjoyed the wide range of performances put on throughout the night. This night proved that we are all unique and shouldn’t be afraid to express ourselves wherever we land.
One Fulbrighter sang Lauren Daigles’s Rescue. I was moved by her lovely singing of Daigle’s beautiful lyrics. As mentioned above, January has been one of the more challenging months for me and the following verses resonated with me:
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolenI hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOSI will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue youThere is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor
Over the course of the past 6 months, when 4,000 miles away from my home, I have found it is very easy for me to feel “hidden,” “forgotten” and “hopeless.” These are feelings I know in my heart are untrue but inevitably always find me sporadically whenever I am alone. Just sitting back and listening to this song I have never heard of before, sung by a fellow Fulbrighter also in the Czech Republic, also so far away from home, truly made me believe the lyric “there is no distance, that cannot be covered.” If any of us ever feel drowned by new emotions, experiences, and nostalgia – there are so many ways and people to help bring anybody back up.
Fulbright has gifted me moments of realizations such as these, moments of growth and lifelong connections and memories. Slowly we are all making a difference as US representatives. There is no doubt that this job is challenging. But, we are representing the US as English Teaching Assistants in the Czech Republic together and will be able to return with, and leave behind, priceless leaps of knowledge, experiences, resilience and strength.
I have to end this blog with a reflection about a conversation I was able to have with a US Education professor while staying in this Chateau miles and miles away. During this conversation, we talked about my goals as an aspiring educator of English literature. Even though he was a professor, he treated me almost like a colleague, listened to my ideas and asked thought provoking questions about my teaching experiences and analytical approaches toward and knowledge of English and British literature. He even asked me a bit about how my personal life has shaped who I am today. This rich conversation proved something extremely important. While I can never fully know what the future holds, conversations such as these show me that I am very equipped for what is in store for me this week, the next, and months and years down the line.
There are always going to be moments of self-doubt and fear…complimented by new experiences and people to meet. And life has a funny way of working out how it needs to – it is up to me to keep deflecting my vices and trust I am not just good enough…I am exactly how I want myself to be. I am knowingly imperfect and proud of it because this mindset is the one that will keep my American smile confidently beaming, surrounded by my family, loved ones, students, colleagues, friends, and community in the Czech Republic and America.
So what’s next…actually I have no idea, but hey, running with the theme of this blog….might as well go chase some ordinary moments. I’m sure they will leave me some extraordinary memories to report next time.
As always, ahoj! There is no room for fear and doubt this February 🙂
Redefining Escape 